In what areas of your life are you most unkind to yourself? Why do you think this is the case?
I am most unkind to myself when it comes to my body and my appearance and how it affects my relationships. I feel like I have all the tricks down so I can post an okay picture, even okay enough to attract men on dating sites. They think I'm so cute, then I can see their disappointment when I meet them in person and never hear from them again afterwards. In my 20s I would have slept with all of them, but that rarely worked to keep a guy hanging around-- only with the ones who used me. Now I am mostly celibate, just waiting for someone who loves me for me to show up out of the blue. But there is a nagging voice that tells me that nobody will love me when I'm fat. That voice sounds like my father, who did just say this weekend that I better hurry up and lose weight if I ever want to have kids because nobody will want to knock me up otherwise. My family does have a tendency to be mean to each other under the guise of teasing, but this was just blatant confirmation that yes, that was the message I've been receiving.
I know this isn't true, that I don't need to be thin to be loved. I do know that there are a lot of shallow men. And that even I can be shallow-- I am unkind to myself about that, I "should just take what I can get". I beat myself up for taking too long to heal from my last breakup, so that now I'm almost 37 and starting to feel desperate. That I fail at all attempts to lose weight. And I know all the self-help reasons why... it won't happen until I do it for myself, until I love myself. And since Amazon doesn't sell self-love or confidence (which would make this a lot easier), how am I going to get it? That is why I am here.
No comments:
Post a Comment