The Kick Ass Courage Challenge Day 7

Today's assignment is to have a tough conversation.  Really it is to confess your story to someone you love and/or trust but I don't have that.  So today I finally called the student loan people to get a retroactive forbearance so that I'm not 85 days past due.  And it wasn't even tough.  It was just a matter of facing the fear.  Stop dragging my feet.  And now my credit won't tank.

The Kickass Courage Project, Day 6

How do you treat yourself in relation to how you treat the people you love?

Ummm, well I don't have that problem that sacrificing mothers do.  I can't wax on about how I put the kids and my husband before me.  I'm number one because I'm the only one.  I spend more on gifts for myself than I do birthday presents for others.

But I am not as nice to myself as I am to others.  And I'm not even that nice to others.  I'm not mean per se, but I wish I was nicer.  More complimentary.  To others and myself.  It feels so cheesy sometimes and I am too sharp edged and sarcastic to be schmaltzy.

The Kick Ass Courage Project, Day 5

#iamworthy

Have you established a list of prerequisites for happiness?  What are they?

I will be enough when:
....I am thin.
....I find a boyfriend.
....have kids.
....I make enough money.
....my skin is finally clear.
....I get a nose job.
....I get some poetry published.
....my student loan is paid off (so... never).
....I get my shit together.  Whatever that means!

Kick Ass Courage Project, Day 4

How/when will you put your mantra to use?

I can stop and acknowledge my inner critic.  I can jot down the instance and tell her I will address her later.

Now, when others are being critical, how can I shut them down without just shutting down myself?  Not that I want to get ahead of myself here.

The Kick Ass Courage Project, Day 3

Write an empowering mantra to acknowledge your inner critic and move on:

My automatic response was to tell her to fuck off, but Andrea explains that that doesn't work because you are resisting what is coming up and you are talking to yourself after all, so let's not be negative.

My mantra for myself is:  "I hear you, and you're not welcome here today."

It was a given one, didn't make this up myself, but will evolve this mantra as I use it.

The Kick Ass Courage Project, Day 2

What would you say if a friend came to you and confessed what you did yesterday? Now write that as a note to yourself.

I am courageous because I refuse to be complacent. I am constantly seeking to improve. I have done such a great job of learning to be good being alone. I am not lonely. If I want to share my life with someone, I need to open myself up to let them in. I am funny, smart, kind and beautiful. Whoever he is will be lucky to have me.

The Kick Ass Courage Project, Day 1

In what areas of your life are you most unkind to yourself? Why do you think this is the case?

I am most unkind to myself when it comes to my body and my appearance and how it affects my relationships. I feel like I have all the tricks down so I can post an okay picture, even okay enough to attract men on dating sites. They think I'm so cute, then I can see their disappointment when I meet them in person and never hear from them again afterwards. In my 20s I would have slept with all of them, but that rarely worked to keep a guy hanging around-- only with the ones who used me. Now I am mostly celibate, just waiting for someone who loves me for me to show up out of the blue. But there is a nagging voice that tells me that nobody will love me when I'm fat. That voice sounds like my father, who did just say this weekend that I better hurry up and lose weight if I ever want to have kids because nobody will want to knock me up otherwise. My family does have a tendency to be mean to each other under the guise of teasing, but this was just blatant confirmation that yes, that was the message I've been receiving.

I know this isn't true, that I don't need to be thin to be loved. I do know that there are a lot of shallow men. And that even I can be shallow-- I am unkind to myself about that, I "should just take what I can get". I beat myself up for taking too long to heal from my last breakup, so that now I'm almost 37 and starting to feel desperate. That I fail at all attempts to lose weight. And I know all the self-help reasons why... it won't happen until I do it for myself, until I love myself. And since Amazon doesn't sell self-love or confidence (which would make this a lot easier), how am I going to get it? That is why I am here.